Call Me Fishmeal.

“The Mojave Experiment:” Bad Science, Bad Marketing

2008-07-29T21:10:00.000-07:00

I guess I should first admit I hate the show Punk’d. I mean, here’s a guy who is famous for lying about his age so he seems hipper, telling us that his show’s purpose it to deflate the big egos on other stars, and show them what truly matters in life. So he sets up situations where anyone would get upset, and then laughs when he upsets people. I call *cough*bullshit*cough*. (Also *cough*jerkface*cough*.)

So I have to admit I’m not predisposed to like The Mojave Experiment, where Microsoft took a bunch of “regular folks” XP users who were afraid of Vista, and told them Microsoft was going to show them a secret new operating system — which was actually Vista.

UNSURPRISINGLY, these people mostly said they liked Vista.

Now, if you read this blog, you know I pretty much hate Microsoft, because of their incredibly shady business practices (moreso in the early 1990s) and their shoddy products, most especially their operating systems, whose crappy user experience and programmer interfaces hold back the advance of technology. However, I’m not going to rail on Vista here. Seriously, I’m not.

What I am going to rail on is this “experiment.” (I use that word advisedly.)

--

I hate bad science. Hate it. Hate. So let’s look at not one, not two, but FOUR, yes FOUR (ah-ah-ah!) key flaws in this experiment, any single one of which would render its results meaningless:

• The Placebo Effect: Every time I do a software release, no matter how minor, even if I just change one word, in French, to another French word, someone will send me mail or post on a forum, “Thanks, this release seems a lot faster!” Do I make fun of them? Or videotape them and put it on a blog? No. Because it’s just human nature. If we are told something is new-and-improved, we prime ourselves to believe it (c.f. Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, which I’ll refer to again in a bit) and make it so in our minds.

This is why we have, for example, blind taste tests: because humans are proven to not be able make dispassionate judgments about subjects they already know about. So, if you say to someone, “Hey, I’m giving you a top-secret peek at a new operating system from Microsoft, you’re incredibly lucky and special, and I really value your opinion!” of COURSE they are going to like it. They almost can’t not like it.

• The Pepsi Challenge Effect: “The Pepsi Challenge” was a blind taste test that Pepsi overwhelmingly won (again, from Blink). Yet, most people still drink Coke. Why? Gladwell’s thesis is that a single sip of a soft drink is very different from drinking a whole can, which is the smallest unit most people imbibe. Pepsi usually wins the challenge because it's a sweeter drink, and initially people respond to this extra sweetness. But after drinking a can, Pepsi becomes cloying.

So, here I am, sat down in front of Mojave-err-Vista, and all I've ever used is XP. Well, look, nobody is doubting the graphics are prettier in Vista. It looks nice compare to XP (it should — they hired the guy who designed Aqua for Mac OS X).

I play with Mojave, and, yes, some system tasks are easier. Again, nobody doubts there are things that work much better. When I plug my iSight camera into Vista it shows up as a device and offers to let me take pictures in the Vista Explorer thingy. That’s kind of cool! Hey, I kind of like Mojave-nee-Vista!

Except, those glossy features aren’t why people downgrade from Vista to XP. Those are not the reason people hate on Vista!

Now, again, look — I don’t use Vista or XP for anything but games. I liked using Vista better, until the new UFO (X-Com) game that I had played great on XP, and wouldn’t launch at all on Vista. Then I bailed. That’s my story. There are apparently hundreds of others.

You, personally, may never have encountered a piece of hardware or an app that didn’t work on Vista, and you might be perfectly happy with it. I’m not going to try to argue you out of that happiness. My point is that the problems that Vista has become famous for are not the kinds of problems you encounter in a few minutes of playing with it in a controlled environment.

Vista is known for people initially liking it, then after a while discovering it’s not working for them, and “downgrading” to XP. This study has told us exactly what we already knew: that, initially, people like Vista. (Initially, people like having sex without condoms, too... it’s simply not a very good criterion all by itself.)

• The Perfectly Controlled Environment Effect: Microsoft set up the hardware. Microsoft brought the accessories. Microsoft picked the software. Microsoft sat people down with Vista experts driving the mouse, and walked people through Vista. What an INCREDIBLE SHOCKER that in this INCREDIBLY TIGHTLY CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT Vista performed OK!

Microsoft had set up an environment with a philosophy similar to Apple’s: “Look, we work well with this hardware and software, and too bad if you want something different.” Unfortunately, that’s NOT why people choose Windows. They hack together their own machines, and they want their software to still run.

Did any of these customers bring in their favorite games and try to play them? Did they bring in their graphics tablets and discover they fail?

Did any of the test machines ever say, “Oh, I’m sorry, Windows Genuine Advantage has determined that you may be running an invalid copy of Windows, so please jump through these hoops or we’ll disable some of your hardware”? I’m going to guess no. But I’ve seen this message a lot. And I own three valid licenses to Windows.

• The Personal Tutor Effect: If you sit anyone down with an expert in a particular program, and the expert walks them through the features and answers their every question, chances are good that person is going to report that she had a good experience with the program. Very good, indeed.

Personal training is so important to customer experience that Apple thinks of it as a key asset of its Apple Stores. But Microsoft doesn’t have Apple Stores in real life. Or any analog. It’s you and a box with a holographic sticker on it. Good luck!

--

Microsoft has managed to prove that if you have a friendly expert on a controlled machine (with Vista pre-installed) showing a carefully selected subset of Vista features to an ignorant XP user for a few minutes, the XP user will often say he finds Vista acceptable. Wow.

This so-called experiment of Microsoft’s is an insult to science, and to our intelligence. And I am dying to see the out-takes from their shoot. I mean, how many people do you suppose like being told, “Hey, this giant, unpopular monopolistic software company just made an ass out of you! Ha ha! Our leading scienticians just PROVED that you LOVE VISTA and WANT TO MARRY IT. You are TOTALLY GAY for Vista! Haaaaaaa HAAAAAAA!”

Vista may or may not be an upgrade in user experience for most Windows customers. I personally prefer the feel of Vista over XP when the former works as well as the latter, but Vista has failed me on several occasions, and I also don’t enjoy running games MORE slowly than XP.

I've got to imagine that the Microsoft customers who took all the damn time to upgrade their machines to Vista, determined it was unworkable, and then had to take all the time to go BACK to XP, probably did so for a reason, possibly even a valid reason, and not because they had been swayed by bad word-of-mouth. I further imagine that these customers are completely livid at having Microsoft not say, “Oh, sorry, we’ll get right on those bugs,” but, instead, “You’re just stupidly following the crowd, and if you’d just free your mind up, you’ll discover you actually love Vista... hater.”

Is “Our Customers Are Stupid and Have No Idea What They Really Want” really Microsoft’s new mantra?

Again, wow.

Pimp My Code, Part 15: The Greatest Bug of All

2008-07-07T17:15:00.001-07:00

Last week, a customer reported a bug to me in Delicious Library 2: when he first launched version two, his version one data would start to be imported, but after waiting for tens of minutes watching the annoying aqua progress bar creep along, his entire machine would crash. Every time.

His collection was so huge it took me two solid days to download his version one files onto my machine. When I ran Delicious Library 2 on my Air in debug mode, it converted his data for about thirty minutes, then crashed with an exception that said the database file was 'corrupt'. I tried to look where it had crashed, but XCode was reporting that all my source code files were gone. In fact, so were my iTunes songs, and everything in my Documents folder. I opened Finder and Terminal, and verified that the directories were indeed empty. No error messages, no residual files. Just empty. Panic.

A minute or so later, all these files magically came back. Everything. As if nothing had happened.

After thinking about this overnight (while staying away from the computer), I changed one word in my source code, and the customer's file loaded perfectly, in only twenty minutes.

Part 1: Triage
In my personal pantheon of bugs, this report was triaged at the top. Roughly, my triage order is:

Data-loss bugs
Unavoidable crashers
Functionality-blocking bugs
Avoidable crashers
Avoidable bugs
Misfeatures
Performance issues
Feature suggestions
UI feedback

This is, of course, a rough ordering: obviously if a customer is trying to publish a single item to her website and it's taking a half hour, then I'm obviously going to bump that up the list over someone whose app crashes when she leans on the "a" key for a three hours in the "Actors" field. (For the record, neither of those are real bugs.)

But, note that in the first case, the "performance" issue has made the feature essentially unusable, so it's really a functionality-blocking bug. Further, if publishing is synchronous, then this bug is blocking access to the application for an unacceptable amount of time, and could be considered a crasher of sorts.

Weighing the bug my real user reported, we see that it's The Perfect Storm, a trifecta that crashes the app (and the machine!), every time (on launch!!), blocks all functionality, and, to add insult to injury, it takes a long time to do so. (The food wasn't very good, and the portions were very small.)

This bug was suddenly at the top of my list.

Part 2: Machine Crashers
How can machines crash due to user programs? The machine-crashing bug is exceedingly rare in shipping applications; in my experience, there are two primary causes: some system resource gets used up by the program, or the program confuses the window server (the graphics system) and the machine's primary interface locks up.

As an operating system matures, it's usually harder and harder to confuse the window server (I haven't seen such a bug in OS X in a long time), but resource over-allocation problems remain.

One of the goals of the operating system's designers is to not allow programs running in user space to ever crash the entire machine. Some would say it's a primary goal, even. But in real life, most operating systems can be brought to their knees (if not fully knocked-out) by user code.

Consider a simple application that just allocates memory in a tight loop. As the operating system runs this application and starts running out of free physical RAM pages, it starts throwing away the pages used by other applications, in a process that goes kind of like this: oh, you haven't used mail in a few seconds, I'll throw that away for now, and, uh, also this web browser, and, uh, damn, the window server's backing store, and, uh, this essential system font server, and, uh...

Pretty soon you've effectively locked up the system, just because it's going to take so long to page in any particular resource the windowing system needs to run that by the time it's loaded off the disk your rogue process has caused some other vital page to be unloaded.

Now, the internet is full of flames about how this is completely unacceptable, and OS designers are 100% to blame and yadda yadda yadda. These are, in my opinion, probably from computer science PhD students who believe in a perfect world of provable programming and the Easter Bunny.

Here in the realm of actually making money, if running your program causes a user's computer to crash, she doesn't care if it's Apple's "fault" — she's going to post all over the interwebs that your program sucks, and ask you for her money back. Now, since you're not a PhD student, you like money, so this is bad.

And, honestly, why blame the OS designer? Your app was written incorrectly. It was going to crash or be killed by the OS anyhow. This is a bug you need to fix either way. And the user would be pissed at you even if the OS catches your app and says, "Sorry, this application has gone crazy, we're killing it."

You can see why OS designers don't spend all their time worrying about such issues. It's not as if a lot of real malware is written to crash machines — like biological viruses, successful software viruses don't kill the host, they co-exist with the host and use a minimum of resources while replicating themselves. Viruses that kill the host go extinct very quickly.

Further, to allow programmers to get the most out of the hardware, OS designers need to let us live right on the edge. The more blocks and checks they put between us and the hardware, the slower our programs are going to run. Imagine if the Apple said to programmers: "Ok, in order to not let you dominate the hardware, we will only let you use 50% of the CPU at any one time." Now imagine you're a user, running World of Warcraft on your brand-new $4,000 ultra-lux machine, and you're only getting half the framerate you should be, and would be under, say, Windows.

You'd be pissed. And Apple would lose a customer.

Interlude
Look, I don't want to seem mean. I'm sure she's a very nice person in real life, and probably quite smart. And, she's a very handsome woman, I'm not denying that. But, honestly, Jessica Alba can't act. It's just not a skill she has.

It's OK. Not everyone was meant to be an actress. But you really have to admit your limitations to yourself. I know, for instance, I'll never be a supermodel. I'm OK with that. I'd make a lousy president, too. I accept it.

It's time to stop, Jessica. You're costing people money. And YOU would be happier doing something you know you're good at, that you could feel good about. There are LOTS of professions for preternaturally beautiful women out there. You could be one of my assistants, for instance.

Part 3: Diagnosis? Delicious!
How do you even begin to fix a bug where things are going great for a while, then your machine crashes and/or all your files disappear?

Remember that the very first thing you do, when looking at any bug, before you even start thinking about it, and long before you look at your code, is replicate it. You can't debug what you can't replicate, and user reports are usually lacking in some details that your trained eye will catch.

At this point, I'd already replicated the crash, and I'd seen a valuable clue the user hadn't seen: my files had disappeared. The key clue.

Next, in a case like this, you'd need to make sure you have a recent backup of your machine, because, damn. I mean, I've been programming for a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time, and I've never seen a bug like that.

Ever.

Ok: your machine is crashing, so you suspect that it's running out of some resource. Memory is the most common resource to run out of and the easiest to find and fix, so you run your program under Instruments, with the leak detection tool. You really should have done this before you released your application, but you were totally burnt-out and you'd been in beta for months and didn't seem to have any major issues, so you failed to do everything just right. Now you're paying.

Your code will run slow as hell under Instruments, but in the end, like that hot gypsy lady at the fair, she will magically tell you, "Hey, you leaked this object exactly here and at exactly this time, so cut it out." It's a small miracle, and the team who wrote this has two to go and they're saints, bitches.

Sadly, at this point I had also already run Instruments / leaks weeks before, and although it had found a major image leak in 2.0 (whoopsie!) which had kept some users from loading very large libraries, and released it in 2.0.1, this fix didn't help our guy. In fact, my virtual memory usage was holding steady at 1.26 GB as I loaded his collection, which is really not bad considering every process on my system right now has between 0.5 to 1.18 GB of VM right now, under no load.

Not memory. Hmm. Now you think. Think think think. I think better if I distract myself from the problem and let my hind-brain take over. So I went and played Assassin's Creed, and murdered some fools who had waged war on their fellow man, or made the mistake of calling me peasant, or gotten in my way, or looked funny, or stood around yelling too much about how Salem Ali is a strong man. Honestly, once you start stabbing people in the neck it's hard to stop.

All the while, I'm swishing ideas around in my mouth to see if they taste right. Graphics memory leak? Often a window server will have its own mini-memory manager: was I overloading it as I converted 40,000 cover images from version one? Maybe, but... Instruments had actually found my leak of graphics memory before, so I kind of trusted that it would have found any others I might have had.

Stab. Stab stab. Gurgle.

Also, my files had disappeared. That doesn't seem like a graphics problem.

Stab. Man, I love jumping from a tall building and landing with my blade in someone's throat. I am so bad-ass.

What resources are related to files? Honestly, I don't know a lot about modern file systems; they are kind of a black box to me. When I went to college, we had integers which represented files. And we liked it!

But Mach had introduced a new kind of I/O, called memory-mapped I/O, that I was using extensively. A possible culprit?

Part 4: Memories of Memory Mapping
Back when NeXTstep 0.8 was first unveiled, one of its key revolutions was it was based on not just plain UNIX, but Mach UNIX, which was a really damn fast and clever re-write of the lowest layers of UNIX, with some extra fun added in, including cheap and fast inter-process communication. Avie Tevanian had been working on Mach as a PhD student at Carnegie Mellon, and Steve Jobs recognized he was a star and hired him straight away. (Microsoft countered by hiring Avie's old advisor to work on NT, which is kind of like Microsoft hiring my mom because I'm a good programmer.)

One of the great things Mach gave us was a new way to read files, which process was really slow by default under vanilla UNIX, for reasons I don't fully understand. Mach introduced the metaphor of memory-mapped files, which used the virtual memory system to map a file on disk onto an address somewhere in VM, without actually loading anything from the disk at first. The cool thing was your program could access any byte in this special VM region, and the correct part of the file would be paged in on-demand, using the exact same mechanism that the VM system used to extend applications' physical memory by mapping their virtual memory spaces to a large reserved area on the disk.

This turned out to be very fast, because it had none of the overhead of normal UNIX I/O, which usually involved reading a byte or so at a time using a UNIX function, which involved an expensive system trap and had a lot of overhead (checking to see if enough bytes have been read in from the disk and if not reading in some more) compared to just fetching a memory location. In the latter case, once a page was fetched in you can fetch all the other bytes on that page for free, no system calls at all, just a standard memory access. Big win.

NeXTstep 1.0 gave us to memory streams, which were awesome, and NeXTStep 2.0 (new capitalization) used memory mapped files by default when you read files using its fancy new NSData class, and all new applications ran a lot faster and life was good.

Well, mostly good. One problem with memory-mapped I/O is that if the user deletes or moves the file on the disk, the OS can't get to it any more, but the programmer never really knows when this might happen, so she don't know whether to just go ahead and make a copy of the entire file into memory or not. So it's not a good idea to keep memory-mapped files open for a long time.

Another, more recent, problem is that virtual memory on 32-bit systems is capped at 4GB, which means the largest file you can memory-map is a lot smaller than 4GB (since your app is going to use, like, at least 1GB of VM itself). Nowadays, it's not uncommon for users to have 6GB movie files in their iTunes. Oops.

So, for a while now, Apple has been moving gently away from memory-mapping I/O. For example, you have to set a flag (CSResourcesFileMapped) in your applications' Info.plist if you want to memory-map the resource files that the AppKit and Foundation frameworks load for you; otherwise they are read using different (unknown) techniques, which may or may not be slower (see below).

Fortuitously, however, I'd just been part of a discussion on a developer mailing list about optimized file system access, and learned an important fact, which gave me the solution.

Part 5: Everything New is Old Again
I have exalted memory-mapped I/O for exactly twenty years now, but just a week or so ago an Apple engineer told me that the latest tests show that Apple's new-fangled "uncached" access method had at least as good of performance as memory-mapped I/O, with neither of the two big drawbacks listed above. It was The New Way.

Here's a bit from the NSData page:

NSMappedRead: A hint indicating the file should be mapped into virtual memory, if possible.
Available in Mac OS X v10.4 and later.
Declared in NSData.h
NSUncachedRead: A hint indicating the file should not be stored in the file-system caches.
For data being read once and discarded, this option can improve performance.
Available in Mac OS X v10.4 and later.
Declared in NSData.h

Sadly, there's not a lot of guidance there when you should or shouldn't use either option. Also, there's no hint if the options are mutually exclusive. Why would you use NSMappedRead, and why not? Who knows?

But now I'd heard the Word, and It Was Good. I resolved then and there to look over my code, and see when I did and didn't need NSMappedRead. But I didn't want to just naively trust that NSUncachedRead was always better (APIs so rarely work like that), so I'd need to do timing tests. So, in fact, I was in the middle of these timing tests (on iTunes importing) when I got this new bug report, so I had some experience with memory-mapped vs. cached access.

Part 6: I Love It When a Plan Comes Together
Ok, I'm reading in 40,000 image files as part of the conversion, and storing them in my database. At some point the filesystem goes on vacation and says, to hell with you, I'm not reading any more damn files, even if they are just directories. Hrmmm. Hrmmmmmmmmmm.

"Oh, please, spare my li-- gurgle!"

Maybe the problem was there was some huge bug in Apple's Mach, where if you open too many files in a short period of time, the filesystem tried to, like, cache the results, and the cache blew up, and as a result the filesystem incorrectly just would fail to open any more files, instead of flushing the cache. This made a little sense, since the problem had gone away spontaneously after a minute or so, like a cache problem would when the cache auto-flushed.

One thing I knew, KNEW wasn't the problem was that I had too many file open simultaneously. Because the way my code worked, I'd open the files using NSData's dataWithContentsOfMappedFile:, do a little massaging on the image inside, and then the files would auto-close themselves when the NSData was autoreleased, which I would correctly do every 100 files I read in.

I knew this. Knew! I've also been around long enough to know that whenever I know the operating system must be bugged, since my code is correct, I should take a damn close look at my code. The old adage (not mine) is that 99% of the time operating system bugs are actually bugs in your program, and the other 1% of the time they are still bugs in your program, so look harder, dammit.

So I traced through the steps. First I read the image file into the NSData. Right. It's auto-released, so I'm not leaking it. Then, I set the CoreData object's data field to point to the same NSData. Still no leak. Then, the NSData is autoreleased, correctly, and the system resources should be freed up.

Wait a minute. Wait. It's autoreleased, but that doesn't mean it's deallocated. It just means the reference count is decremented. But someone else might still have a pointer to it... in fact, I had just assigned the same NSData to the CoreData object. Knowing it was an immutable data, the CoreData object didn't make a copy of my data, it just retained the exact same NSData object. The one that had an open memory-map of the image file!

CoreData's objects persist in memory until you flush them explicitly, which means anything they are holding also persists. So, I was creating 40,000 memory-mapped files and not freeing any of them. That, uh... seemed fishy. Like, five-course-sushi-dinner fishy.

Now, I could flush these cover objects explicitly using CoreData; I'd have to read in a batch of old objects, convert them, save everything, then flush the covers, then read in another batch. In fact, I was already using batches (following CoreData's best practice guidelines, see "Importing in Batches"), but flushing would add a layer of complexity. I'd have to keep track of the objects I created separately, and loop through and flush them.

Sure, that's easy code to write. But I'm making a 2.0.2 release, and in x.x.y releases, I want to change as little code as possible to fix the bug, because my beta testers weren't going to be excited about testing a release that adds no features. I will test it myself, of course, and I'd ask anyone who reported the bug to test it, but doing something as heavy-duty as suddenly flushing a bunch of objects could have side effects, and I wouldn't have enough people to test for those. Yes, in theory flushing shouldn't have side-effects, but in that same world, no code should ever have bugs and communism is a really nifty idea.

But, I'd been told that NSUncachedRead was as good as NSMappedRead, without as many drawbacks. Would it also not tie up the same system resources? Certainly the word "uncached" seemed promising. I'd try it.

I kind of exaggerated on the "one word" in my preamble — it would have been a one word change, but I'd used the older interface on NSData:

NSData *imageData = [NSData dataWithContentsOfMappedFile:fullImagePath];

I replaced it with this line (which would say NSMappedRead instead of NSUncachedRead to be equivalent to the above):

NSData *imageData = [NSData dataWithContentsOfFile:fullImagePath
options:NSUncachedRead error:&error];

Thus removing the memory-mapping.

Importing the large collection worked perfectly. The problem was solved, and now I could upgrade truly HUGE collections.

Part 7: Where Did We Go Wrong?
We had tested Delicious Library 2 with importing an enormous sample file of 10,000 Delicious Library 1 items. However, it took so long to build up such a library in version 1 that we ended up building the sample library using a custom program, and as a result that test file didn't have any images in it. But beta testers were enrolled specifically because they had collections of thousands of items, and we had the largest closed beta of any program I've worked on. We also tested with our friends' Delicious Library 1 files, of about 3,300 items.

But this customer had over 4,400 items in Delicious Library 1. That, it turned out, was a few over a limit we had no idea existed. Damn it.

It's a bug we should have caught. We should have spent the time to get the images in the 10,000 item file. I messed up.

Software is written by humans. Humans get tired. Humans become discouraged. They aren't perfect beings. As developers, we want to pretend this isn't so, that our software springs from our head whole and immaculate like the goddess Athena. Customers don't want to hear us admit that we fail.

The measure of a man cannot be whether he ever makes mistakes, because he will make mistakes. It's what he does in response to his mistakes. The same is true of companies.

We have to apologize, we have to fix the problem, and we have to learn from our mistakes.

Unfortunately, Delicious Monster has so much mail from releasing version 2, we're failing at responding to customers right now. We are a tiny company, and had one support person, and although we're bringing a second up to speed, it takes time to teach someone how to solve our users' problems. Our backlog of mail messages is finally going down — as of today, we're at 1,300, down from 3,000 a week or so after our release. We still get several hundred messages a day, though, and it takes time just to sort through and see which ones are bugs and which ones are customers needing help and which ones are people just saying, "Hey, that's cool, you know what else would be cool?"

When this customer finally got through to me, I apologized to him for the bug and the crummy response time, and elevated his bug to the top. I let him know what I was doing to fix it, and got the fix done in a couple days. I also gave him a free license to Delicious Library 2, since he'd been unable to buy it yet.

I had already known that when I launched 2.0, I couldn't immediately go on vacation; that I'd have to jump in to the 2.0.1 release for any urgent bugs that customers found. What I didn't realize was how much support e-mail would spike. That's the lesson I learned: I need to have extra people ready to do support when I do a major release. I'm not sure how to do this and not be paying people to twiddle their thumbs the rest of the time, but that's something I'll have to figure out. And I apologize to my customers for this screw-up.

The beta for 2.0.2 is out now, at http://delicious-monster.com/downloads/Delicious%20Library%202%20Beta/DeliciousLibrary2.zip.

It'll load a ton of items.

Delicious Library 2 has Shipped!

2008-06-21T02:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, well, actually Delicious Library 2 shipped like four weeks ago. Sorry I didn't tell you. It's not because I don't care. Honestly, I tried to tell the press, but I think they're pretty sick of me, so there wasn't much of a splash on the news sites.

Sales have been great, though, so I can't complain.

But, hey, enough about me... what's up with your life? (Use blank space provided.)

_______ ______ _______ _____ _____ _____ ____

Really? Wow. Well, you know, stuff changes. I think it'll work out.

Oh, also, I launched a new company down at WWDC last week, called Golden % Braeburn. I'm going to license out the store I wrote to sell Delicious Library, since it was a huge pain in the tush to write, and I actually would have licensed a store from someone else if there'd been a decent option back when we launched Delicious Monster.

I know, it seems kind of pretentious for one guy to have two companies. Even *I* blush a little at it. But, it kind of makes sense — Golden % Braeburn's only going to have customers in the dozens, and they'll all be Mac developers. I didn't want to confuse my Delicious Monster customers by saying, "Oh, hey, now that you've bought Delicious Library, would you maybe be interested in buying a store to sell software on the internet?" That doesn't pass the "mom" test. (Incidentally, as my mom gets battier I'm finding it harder and harder to write software that passes the "mom" test. I'll have to go back to using Matas' mom as the eponymous mom from the test.)

You can see how it kind of de-focuses my message, yes?

---

A lot of people have been asking about Pimp My Code... No, it's not dead, it's just that those entries take approximately a day to write, and when I was in the final months (and months and months) of Delicious Library 2 I really felt like I owed it more to my customers to actually write my dang software than to publish my vanity blog. (I know, I wrote about my cat and girls and stuff — those entries take like half an hour. I don't have to fact-check them or anything.)

So, we'll have some code pimping here soon... coming up first is the on-the-fly localization code that's part of what I'll be sharing with all Golden % Braeburn customers (one of the advantages of licensing the store is you also get all my helper code), and also the system I'm trying to get Apple to switch to. You can evaluate for yourself whether it's better than AppleGlot or FoobleBlot or whatever you are using.

---

On a personal note, recently my shrink said to me, "Hey, Wil, why don't you drop the pimp act? Nobody actually looks at show-offs and thinks, 'Oooh, I like him.' In fact, everyone resents them."

This made a lot of sense, so I'm officially renouncing my phony pimpitude. Honestly, I'm just a geek who stays up late and plays GTA and makes clumsy passes at pretty girls and tries to write software. That's me.

It's just a story.

2008-04-12T03:52:00.000-07:00

In 1987 I was a senior in high school and my mother was in the hospital with leukemia; a long, very painful experimental treatment would either cure her (but leave her changed for life) or she would die.

With the profits I'd made from my summer job, I had bought a $400 Technics portable CD player, one of the very first ones ever made. It was solid metal and heavy as hell, and the rechargeable battery pack was as big as the CD player itself and weighed twice again as much. It still plays perfectly to this day.

I was left with her lame car and a giant house to myself and not much supervision. It would have been many a teen's dream, but not mine, since I was truly alone; after I moved back to the States for the eleventh and twelfth grades I never once had a friend over after school, or went over to a friend's house, or went to a party, or a dance; I worked in my little computer lab from when I got home to when I went to sleep. I graduated with honors but didn't show up. I was programming at the time.

Some nights I would take my mom's (new-model) Chevy Nova out and just drive around the waterfront, listening to my little CD player. There were two discs in particular for when I felt most alone: Steve Winwood's "Back in the High Life" and Peter Gabriel's "So". Both artists were consummate musicians, at the height of their craft -- neither would ever make another album as successful. Both created incredibly rich soundscapes, and both talked about loss, and longing.

I don't share either album with people very often, these days, because I've discovered I am incredibly upset if my guests are anything below astounded by them. I require rapt attention, possibly sighs, if you hear the Blessed Two. I feel as if I am physically cutting away my skin and pulling it aside with tongs to show my viscera, the actual core of my being, and if my listeners are all, "Can we put on some GOOD music after this?" I just want to smite them.

To this day if I hear "Don't Give Up" I will cry. I may not bawl, but you can see little tears in my eyes. I can see the park on Lake Washington I would drive to. I can feel the slight cold of the wind through my not-at-all-fashionable windbreaker. I can see the giant CD player on its huge strap around my neck. And I feel the hurting, of wanting to not be alone. Of waiting it to be over.

--

The happiest and saddest part, I think, of liking someone of the opposite sex... really liking, as in, really admiring the person, thinking that she is, in fact, a really good person, a decent person, a person whose morals and smarts and sense of humor and accomplishments you actually think are amazing -- not just, like, "Damn, she got pretty tummy," which latter sentiment I have also fallen prey to -- the happiest and saddest part is that you become someone different when you feel this way.

I don't want to, and won't, use the stupid cliché from the stupid movie. But it's true. You make yourself into a better person, not to trick them into liking you, but because _they deserve it_, and _you want to be a person that deserves them_. The difference is everything.

It's the saddest part because when you lose the hope, the dream, the focus -- well, you want to hold on to that you, that better you, that you that you liked so much, the you that you were with her. It's inside you. Were you faking? No. You have it. Just continue being it. Just don't stop. Be more patient with people you see. Smile at them. Let tiny things go, ignore any little slight, be generous with praise. Be that person. You can still do it. Hold on to him.

--

An interesting, if bizarre, factoid about me is that I cry if I see kids under the age of 10. I also cry if I see child's toy aimed at under-10-year-olds. And, finally, I can remember only two or three scenes from my life from before I was 10: My dad reading "One Fish, Two Fish" to me to teach me what words looked like. (Read to your kids! It's more important than you think.) My parents in bed on a lazy Sunday and the kids coming in and hassling them. Running to get one of the Big Wheels in recess in kindergarden, because there were only a couple and if you didn't get one recess was lame. The other kids wanting to build a boat out of toy cardboard bricks, and me, the quiet kid who never spoke up, finally saying something: I have a plan. I can build a boat. Show us, show us, and I did, and for that one day, for that afternoon, I was the hero.

The rest of my childhood is gone. I don't know where that person is. He's very sad, though.

Yes, I'm in therapy, thanks for checking.

--

I listen to Steve Winwood again, on my expensive studio monitor speakers, the likes of which I couldn't dream of when I was 18. His album still sounds great to me, after all these years.There's a part of me that's conscious of all the time that's passed: that the rich, full sound I loved is now considered cheesy and overproduced, that nobody has heard of Steve Winwood in twenty years, Peter Gabriel is just another dude at TED, and that schmaltzy emotions are for angsty teenagers with zits and five-year-long erections.

But there is a little kid who has felt alone all his life, and he wants it to end. When will it be over? Will I die first? Why are you so old? What have we done with our life? Why are we alone? How did you manage to fail in this, the one thing that mattered.

There is a moment...

2008-03-24T00:51:00.000-07:00

There is a moment when you are touching a woman, innocently, you say, innocently, she says, but you are massaging her back, stroking her hair, running your fingers lightly over her face.

There is a moment when you think to yourself, "I want to kiss her, I should kiss, I am going to kiss her."

And you know that if you are wrong, you will feel stupid. And she will leave. And you will apologize. And everything will be spoiled.

But the kiss is still hanging there. Evolution is stronger than you. It doesn't care if you feel stupid. Kiss the neck, it says. She smells wonderful, and you should kiss. Necks were created to be kissed. They crave it. They are empty without it.

There is only one thing worse than her rejecting you, and that is if you do NOT kiss her neck, in this moment, right now. You have lived your whole life for this. You dream of this moment every day.

There is a moment when you kiss her, lightly, on the neck, and instead of leaving, instead of being outraged, she breathes. You hear her breath, you feel her breath. And you have lived your whole life for that moment.

TED2008 - Part 1: Gossip

2008-02-29T16:11:00.000-08:00

I am back, after a fashion. The night before TED, my new MacBook Air was stolen out of the lobby of the Portola Plaza hotel, leaving me in the dark for days, feeling incredibly violated.

My old, now kind of stinky-seeming MacBook Pro has been shipped to me, so at least I can connect to the sweet mother intertron, whose warm nectar I crave daily. Also, I can now track down the frakker who took my Air, so you better hope you wipe that disk good and don't ever connect to the net again. Or sell it to anyone who, like, has heard of me.

[My MacBook Air serial number was W880311W12G and the "MAC" or Airport ID was "001EC2B605B9". If you see this machine it is stolen and you should call the Monterey police at 831.646.3830 and reference case number 08-1077. Intertron powers activate!]

--

I should start with a story which sounds like bragging, but you will quickly discover, is actually me fulfilling my duties as a gentleman.

Last night at Crown and Pig and Whistle and Anchor bar I was talking with an attractive you woman TEDster, who, after I convinced her I was not gay (there had been a HI-larious Three's Company style mixup that's not actually particularly funny so I won't recount it here) she proceeded to lean over and whisper in my ear for five minutes about who she actually WAS attracted to (said list not including me, if that needs to be made explicit).

After a few moments of this, I pointed out the irony that everyone else at the table, including my new rival Jonathan Hodgman, thought that she was leaning over and whispering to me because she was into me, not because I had become her new eunuch confidant. (Speaking of Hodgman, who KNEW he was such a ladies' man? He was surrounded by pretty girls the whole time. Of course, being the perfect family man, he acted the gracious gentleman -- you thought I was going to get him in trouble with his wife, didn't you? That's not how I roll. I've never even posted my really juicy ultimate cock-block story about LP from a few years ago, and he wasn't married then.)

So, being informed that it looked as though we were flirting, and her being a game sort with a wicked streak, she was all, "oooooh!" and turned fully towards me and put her hand on my shoulder and leaned in close to my ear, so her lips just brushed its tiny hairs with every word as she spoke, sending a little involuntary tingle up my spine with every warm, wet breath as she seductively whispered, "So, should I pretend I like you, like this?"

Then she bit my ear.

No, no, sorry, I'm lying: the hairs on my ears aren't "tiny" any more. They are stark white and surprisingly sturdy and grow to be, like, four feet long. I'm like fucking Yoda. I've gotten to the point where I don't even bother clipping them; I see my body as some kind of bizarre science experiment as it deteriorates and I'm actually curious to see how long any given hair in any given spot will get. A week ago I had an eyebrow hair that was, no shit, two inches long -- Mike tried to pluck it for me and I got protective of it, like it was my tomagotchi. Sometimes I have races between the hairs on my left ear and the ones on the right.

Anyhow, the point is, for anyone in the bar that night, I shall protect the young lady's honor by giving up the game -- she was, in fact, just making a scandal for scandal's sake; trying to help my pimp cred... an act of charity from a kind stranger. I'm not not not saying I didn't not not enjoy it -- any bone looks like top sirloin to a hobo, and it's been a too long since I've been thrown a bone.

MacBook Air: Rambling First Impressions (PG!)

2008-02-17T16:36:00.000-08:00

Lots of people have asked for my impressions, so I thought I'd post a more sober (literally) look at life with my little MacBook Air. With no cussing!

• It feels really nice, like a pebble. A large, smooth pebble, from a stream. This shape speaks to me, like the MOTOPEBL did, except that was a crappy phone and not a really nice computer.

• It is super-solid. It feels way more structurally solid than any laptop I've ever owned. I don't know if this like a synesthetic illusion because it is so beautiful, or because it has curved surfaces (== less flex!), or because it's just so darn light that there's not a lot of mass to flex.

• The prominent feet and rigity make the machine seem wobbly on anything but a 100% level surface. The antique wood tables at Zoka are not that perfect, so every time I type the machine rocks like a shopping cart at K-mart. Mushier feet, maybe? I dunno, you guys are the geniuses, you figure it out. But, seriously, wobbling things make me nuts. I'm going to start stuffing napkins under the corners of the machine, and that's not good advertising. [UPDATE: John Siracusa provided a great suggestion for this: the MacBook Air should have only three feet; three points always form a plane.]

• I love how the port door on the right opens and closes; it's a very solid-feeling mechanism, and very natural. Also, I feel like I'm in Star Trek (the new one).

• I don't run on battery much, but I've noticed it seems to take a billion years to charge it if it gets discharged, at least the first couple times. Odd.

• I got the 64GB SSD. It seems pretty awesome, but I can't fit my (legal) iTunes collection on it, even without movies, after I put my iPhoto collection on it and my source code and just a couple apps (Acorn, Twitterific, Zuma, iWork so far, MarsEdit coming).

• I'm moving over my old stuff as I need it. Copying stuff over AirPort is super-slow, but the ethernet adaptor is pretty decent. I tried to copy World of Warcraft from a friend's PowerBook (I have a legal copy, don't worry) and it was scheduled to take five hours, since she doesn't have 802.11n, even. Using the ethernet adaptor it was, like, five minutes. No surprises here, but the take-away message is, ethernet adaptor is a good idea.

• I don't try to access CDs or DVDs from my machine -- my previous machine didn't even have a working drive -- so I don't really care that it doesn't have one built-in. The external one is a thing of beauty and I almost want to buy it just because, but it doesn't work with other machines so that kind of stinks.

• The screen is so very, very bright compared to the (1st-gen) MacBook Pro. Games look much better. It's not something you realize you want until you get it -- you think increases in resolution or color depth are cool, but when you get a brightness upgrade this dramatic you realize AH! THIS is what I really wanted! Who needs more pixels when each of my pixels now shines so very, very brightly? ("I've seen things, you people wouldn't believe...")

• I think the machine's smallness is tearing up my neck. I'm sitting 8-10 hours a day working on this thing, and I end up looking DOWN at it more than my 15" MacBook Pro. I've had neck cramps since I got it, but I'm still adjusting, and I'm also in crunch mode with Delicious Library 2.

• It compiled Delicious Library 2 from scratch in 1'59". The 2.33GHz MacBookPro takes 2'04". SSD's LOVE compilations.

• SSD's love context switching, as well. Having an SSD is a lot like having 64GB of RAM in your machine. Sure, I'm going to lose in a Photoshop filter race with your machine, but I'm going to crush you switching between the 15 applications I have open right now. Again, it's not a surprise to say that if video editing or cutting-edge video games is your primary purpose, you'll probably find the MacBook Pro faster. But if you're writing software or just snurfing the web and running lots of apps, this machine is faster.

• Bizarrely, it still has a sudden motion sensor in it. Think about that for a minute.

• More bizarrely, if I drop the Air a foot (onto a soft, fluffy pillow on my bed -- I'm not an idiot) the sudden motion sensor will still shut down the SSD (tell it to park its heads?) and stop processing for a second. I think that's pretty funny. Hey, hardware guys: "SSD stands for SOLID-STATE DISK."

• I admit there could still be problems I don't know about with dropping SSDs, and I'm just being snide. I'm sorry, hardware guys. Still friends? Buy you a drink? Hug it out?

• I like using the "pinch" gesture. That's the only one I've really used. So far, it works great in Finder (icon mode) and iPhoto and Safari (just feels bizarre there, honestly) and two places Delicious Library 2 (shhh!). It's the right solution.

• The "swipe" gesture should have been mapped to "start scrolling and then after I stop the swipe keep scrolling slower and slower until you stop naturally or I stop you" like scrolling works on the iPhone. The Air team didn't ask me, but they should have. This would have been trivial to add to Cocoa (we added it experimentally once to DL2, may put it back). Sure I could file a RADAR bug on this, but isn't it more fun to complain on my blog like a prima donna? (Yes. Yes it is.)

• Jonathan Ive should design a laptop bag as beautiful as the Air, that just can contain the machine, a power cord, and a Wireless Mighty Mouse. I'd be in heaven. Nobody seems to have addressed the "I want a small, slim bag that can still hold a power cord without having a giant wart in the side" market. Like, duh, bag designers, STOW THE POWER CORD ABOVE OR BELOW THE LAPTOP, not STICKING OUT THE SIDE WHERE IT CREATES A TENT AND LOOKS UGLY AND BANGS MY KNEE.

• The Air runs World of Warcraft pretty damn well. Sure, I don't have, uh, specular water reflective anti-aliased spectroscopic quadrophonic roto-tilling turned on. But, you know, I can, like, heal things and run around and pick liferoot and run around some more. (PHEAR MY HEALING, EVIL-DOERS OF AZEROTH!)

• The Air's main performance limitation is heat, and mainly from the GPU. When it starts doing graphical things, it gets hot. When it gets hot, it starts venting out the bottom-back. If there's not enough clear vents (like, if you are in bed, and it's resting in your lap so the bottom vents are perfectly pressed into the fluffy down comforter) then it underclocks the GPU and you go into slide-show mode. This will happen in Zuma if you try hard enough, or if you're watching Hulu.com, even, but it's pretty easy to get it in World of Warcraft. Throwing off your comforter and getting nakeder with your Air is the only solution at this point, and also, it feels... so deliciously wrong.

• Note to hardware guys: don't put vents there, bokay? Laptops are for bed. Don't put vents right where the laptop touches my leg. (Aw, come on back, hardware guys! I still love you! Look, sometimes I just get a little angry, and when I've been drinking, well, you know my temper...)

• On the other hand, if this baby is plugged in and sitting on a flat surface, I can play Teh WoWz all day and it's great. (Not great for shipping DL2, so I don't do it, but I could. It's nice to know it's there, like a beautiful ex who still wants to have sex with you.)

--

This isn't a machine for everyone, nor should it be. Just as there should be three types of spaghetti sauce, you and I should not HAVE to agree on what we want in a machine. The machine should, instead, be designed to agree with us.

I admit my last post was a bit over-the-top; my point was supposed to be: "Look, this machine may not be for you, personally, but please acknowledge that there are people for whom it is perfect." For instance, Gabe told me he wants a new MacBook Pro, and I didn't try to push the Air on him (...much). He's an artist and a gamer. He wants pixels, and lots of them, and FAST. The MacBook Pro is going to run his Windows games faster than pretty much every laptop.

I will try to steer him towards the biggest MacBook Pro that has the LED backlight, because it's just SO DARN PRETTY. And if anyone offered a 128GB SSD, I'd be recommending that to all my friends who have cash to burn. Because it's the future, baby, and it's beautiful.

-W

My C4[1] Talk...

2008-02-09T17:18:00.000-08:00

Mr. Rentczchxh has posted my talk from C4, and if you would enjoy watching a talk without paying, you can watch it. It's on hype, and how I generate it, but it also touches on other topics concerning having your own software company, like making good software, bundling, getting into stores, having sex with cylons, &c.

Watch it!

Or don't.

MacBook Air Haters: Suck My Dick

2008-01-15T21:07:00.000-08:00

I thought of a lot of titles for this post, but, really, the first one that came to me seems the best.

I've read nothing but whining about the MacBook Air on Mac news sites since it came out this morning. Honestly, I just want to shake these people. Not, like, shake some sense into them, but shake them like you're not supposed to shake a baby.

The criticism all basically goes like this: "It's not like a MacBook Pro!"

No, really? Seriously? I mean, they introduced this new product, and it doesn't have the same specs as the MacBook Pro? God, that is bizarre. I wonder why they gave it a new name, and continue to sell the MacBook Pro, then, if it's not going to be exactly the same. I mean, that hardly makes sense, does it?

Ok, fine, there are some people who want, like, an extra battery Pack. But let's admit amongst ourselves that the overwhelming majority of people out there have never pulled the battery out of their existing laptops, and didn't even know or care that it comes out. In fact, if something goes wrong with their battery, this majority -- whom we'll call "NORMAL PEOPLE" for convenience -- will just take the damn machine to the store and get it fixed, whether it's user-serviceable or not. Because we don't want to hassle with it.

And there are people out there who do video editing on their MacBooks and want FireWire. Great! I respect your choice! You should buy a MacBook! It's an awesome machine! If you want to do that! Which I don't!

I've read journalists complain that you can't get at the hard drive in the MacBook Air. What? I have no fucking idea where the hard drive is in my MacBook Pro, and even if you drew me a damn diagram with labels and numbers and gave me a replacement drive I wouldn't open my machine even in exchange for a year with Zooey Deschanel. Ok, yes I would, but you get my point. I'm sorry, Zooey, I didn't mean it, baby.

Some journalists get so close to the truth it hurts, yet miss the large print. "OMG! The unit is all sealed and self-contained like the iPod!"

Yes... the iPod. That huge failure. Also, the iPhone. Stunning disappointment that it was. I mean, jeebus, why would Apple make ANOTHER device incredibly simple? Clearly the market has spoken, and it wants tons of ports and screws and geegaws and flippers... no, wait, no it doesn't.

You guys are TECHNOLOGY JOURNALISTS. You are GEAR HEADS. There is no shame in this, but, come on, recognize that what you think is cool is NOT what my mom thinks is cool, or what an executive thinks is cool, or what a lawyer who just wants to write a deposition on her laptop thinks is cool.

I'm a programmer. I just want a machine I can write software on. Once, I loved gadgets, too, but now I really just want a gadget that (a) works, and (b) is beautiful and easy-to-use. Sure, my iPhone doesn't have as many raw features as my lawyer's Blackberry + RAZR combined (she carries both). But I understand my iPhone, and I don't have to learn it, because it's learned me. I can take a photo in three seconds, and so can she (we tested) even though she'd never seen an iPhone before.

I'm not the freak, here. In this one instance. I'm with the majority. All software developers should be hailing the advent of the computer-as-appliance, because it means we'll be reaching into markets that are afraid of self-service machines.

I can't take apart my Kitchenaid blender. If they come out with a new motor, I'm screwed. It's not upgradeable! And when the motor blows (as it DID... grrr), I have to send it back. I can't take apart my car. When Lotus came out with a bolt-on supercharger, I had to (gasp) take it to the dealer to have it put in. Somehow I survived.

I don't buy a laptop because I want to replace its drive in a year. I buy it because it seems great and meets my needs today. If my needs magically morph over the coming year, I guess I'll sell it on eBay. Or pay Apple to throw in a different drive, or something. Honestly, I think we need to admit that just because machines get faster every year, doesn't mean that the majority of people need faster machines.

In two weeks I'll be writing Delicious Library 2 on a MacBook Air, every day. Because it's simple and beautiful, and I crave those things.

And all you haters can... well, buy one in six months, when you realize how nice it is.

--

Update 2/4/2008: My MacBook Air with 2GB of RAM and 1.8 GHz cores and the SSD compiles Delicious Library 2 from scratch in 1:59.4. My MacBook Pro with 3GB of RAM and 2.3GHz cores and an HD compile it in... 2:04.3.

MacBook Air FTW.

Are You a Genie in a Bottle?

2007-12-22T17:58:00.000-08:00

Oh...
You feel your brain's been locked up tight
Writing good code at only at night
Waiting for a job
To challenge you

You're cracking your knuckles, trying to code my way
But that don't mean I'll hire you right away
Laddy, Laddy, Laddy
(Lady, Lady, Lady?)

Yo yo...
Your mouth's saying hire me
Oh woe...
But my brain's saying let's see C

If you wanna work for me, laddy
There's a price you pay
I'm a stickler for design
You gotta write code the right way
If you want an ADA
I can make your wish come true
You gotta make a big impression
I gotta like what you do

I'm a stickler for design, laddy
Gotta write code the right way, money
I'm a stickler for design, laddy
Add, add, add, and then cut out

The iPhone's coming and AAPL's so not low
One more release of Library to go
Waiting for someone
Who impresses me

Fingers racing at the speed of light
And not just because I'm in a Twitter fight
Laddy, Laddy, Laddy
(Lady, Lady, Lady?)

Yo yo...
I only have one engineer to go
Oh woe...
But I'm still going to hire slow

If you wanna work for me
And then Apple someday
I'm a stickler for design
You gotta write code the right way
If you want to get low pay
I can make your wish come true
Send me sample code, laddy
And maybe I'll hire you

I'm a stickler for design, laddy
Gotta write code the right way, money
I'm a stickler for design, laddy
Send, send, send your sample out

Transitions and Epiphanies.

2007-12-18T04:45:00.000-08:00

It's been a crazy couple of weeks for me...

First off, Lucas Newman is leaving Delicious Monster -- as of January 1 he will be an iPhone engineer. This is an amazing opportunity for him, one I would never ask a friend to pass up. We remain buddies, although I'm running around Zoka these last couple weeks telling every girl I see that Lucas was secretly super-hot for her and is leaving now, which I think is starting to annoy him. Although, honestly, they'll probably all end up throwing themselves at him and he'll end up on top, again.

For those keeping score at home, this makes Mike Matas, Scott Maier, Tim Omernick, Drew Hamlin, and Lucas Newman that Apple has hired out of my employ. Yes, in fact, 100% of Delicious Monster's ex-employees are now working for Apple! You'd almost think Apple would start to pay me to train people for them. Oh, well. It's every kid's dream to work there, I can't say I blame them. Heck, I might work for Apple myself if they ever asked. And, like, wanted to give me EIGHTY ZILLION DOLLARS.

Also, seriously, if you want to work for Apple, you MIGHT want to, you know... GET TO KNOW ME.

--

Mike Lee is staying at Delicious Monster -- for now... DUM DUM DUM! You have to figure he's playing the various Apple teams off each other -- when you work at Delicious Monster, you don't jump for the girl that asks you to dance. Mike's all: "CoreAudio? Don't waste my time, sweetheart." "OS X Server? I'm sorry, you're not even getting an interview." "Ali Ozer and Scott Forstall got into a fistfight over me at lunch today? Now, see, these guys understand what kind of ball we are playing."

--

I realized tonight that I had yet another problem with CoreData, and it was a doozy, and not something where I could just put a hack on it. In fact, it was indicative of a fundamental architecture mismatch that I've been struggling with since I started this project.

So, this is a little vague, but I thought it might be important to document the process. Basically, when I bang up against a wall, I start looking bigger and bigger and bigger. Like, imagine I'm having trouble with a crumbling wall in an aqueduct -- my programmers brain does this: "Ok, why did I build this wall?" To keep the water in. "Why do I have water?" Because you need that to turn the water-wheel. "Is there some other way to turn it?" Not easily. "Why must it turn?" To power the grinder. "What needs grinding?" Corn. "Is there some other way to grind it?"

I'll get to truly huge things, where I start asking if the world even needs an app that catalogs books and DVDs and now boardgames when we could all be under five feet of water in a few years. Then it's time to take a nap and wake up and start again.

But my point is, you HAVE to question all the basic assumptions that led you to where you are, or you end up spending all your time writing the wrong code. I have always said that if you give me a perfectly spec'ed out program (one with a spec that can actually work, that I'm not going to have to modify as I go along), I can write that program for you in days. Always. The problem with coding is (a) fighting with frameworks, and (b) trying to figure out how the program should look, work, and interact even as we code it.

So we end up spending a lot of times fixing bugs in code that we really shouldn't have written in the first place -- code that doesn't really help the user, that just makes the app more complex, that is for a feature that never should have been put in, or is interacting with the user incorrectly and we're just putting spackle on a wall that's crumbling.

So here I am, tonight, running into my 1,000th bug with the fundamental mis-architecture in CoreData, which is that interacts with the UI layer and the disk layer / undo layer all using the same mechanism. They all rely on -didChangeValueForKey:, which is a huge mistake, because it means that, as a programmer, I can't sneak any data in -- I can't change a value without it creating an undo event.

Consider if, for example, I had a clock and its hands were CoreData objects. As they move forward through time, their position updates, so I'd tell them to update. And each time I did, an undo event would get pushed -- so the user actually could undo time.

This is obviously a contrived example, but it also points to the fundamental problem -- CoreData objects can't mix undoable and non-undoable changes.

So I've been struggling for three years now, trying to bend and hack and cajole CoreData's undo architecture into allowing me to do some actions synchronously and some asynchronously. (For instance, obviously, once the program has downloaded a cover from Amazon in a background thread, you don't want to UNDO the download -- it's not actually a state change, it's just a cache change -- yet, by default we end up with an undo event on the stack, in the MIDDLE of whatever the user is actually doing in the foreground.)

Fight fight gnash gnash complain complain. Tonight I hit on it. I needed to step back. Why isn't this working? Because undo wasn't designed this way in CoreData.

Well, I have undo in Delicious Library 1. It's not "magic" like with CoreData, but it works. In fact, now that I am thinking about it -- I've spent months and hundreds of lines of code trying to get CoreData's "magic" undo to work, when, in fact, there are really only FOUR actions that are ever undone:

1) Add a book -- undo to delete it
2) Delete a book -- undo to add it back
3) Change a property on a book, like its title or author -- undo to change it back
4) Make a loan -- undo to return the book
5) Return a book -- undo to re-make the loan

That's... about it. SO WHY HAVE I SPENT ALL THIS TIME TRYING TO GET COREDATA'S MAGIC SYSTEM TO WORK?

There's only five damn methods, at the top level, that need to participate in undo. It's pretty obvious I should be managing my OWN undoManager, turn off the one in CoreData, and just use CoreData for what it is EXTREMELY good at, which is minimal change tracking and fetching and storing data VERY VERY quickly.

Suddenly all these issues I've been having disappear. I don't have strange extra undo events on my stack when I fault in an object, because although CoreData might think my object changed, it's not driving the undo manager any more -- and when it goes to save, it's going to quickly discover there's no real substantive changes and just discard the whole event.

I don't have to try to work around some undo events by turning undo on and off, which required me to flush CoreData's transactions queue by hand, which was extremely sketchy because if you do it in some circumstances (eg, the middle of inserting a new object) the object will be corrupted.

--

I haven't started this yet -- I'll try it tomorrow. It's nice -- it'll pick up a bunch of the remaining issues I'm having in DL2, and should give us a good solid beta. The important thing here is, I was just too married to part of the code. I was so into using CoreData's magic undo that I kept going farther and farther to make it work, when I really needed to say, "Ok, this doesn't work in this situation, I'm doing my own undo in 40 lines of code."

Mr. Murray is Dead.

2007-12-08T15:56:00.001-08:00

I killed him today - 10 minute ago.

F.P. Murray Fuzzcat was a pure-bred Persian born to champions, bred by my sister (a veterinarian in California) to show or sell. His nose was deemed "too large" at birth, so she gave him to me, for mere room and board. Later in life, my sister would inspect him and reverse her decision -- he had "grown into" his nose and could have been a champion, had I not already taken his manhood. (Thom-hood?) I didn't have any interest in going to cat-shows with my little guy, but it made me feel good to know that the blood of champions throbbed through his veins.

When a cat dies you understand that most people, while being able to empathize with your pain, won't actually give a crap themselves. Murray didn't work for world peace. He built no homes for orphans, and his response to the Hurricane Katrina was indifference. He was a cat.

But, still. There are lives he touched, especially mine. My only memory of Murray is purring. He was the purriest cat I have ever known. Years ago I would take business conference calls in bed when major clients wanted to chat at 7AM and I wanted to sleep until noon -- I would lie there with my cell phone talking with captains of industry while Murray sat on my chest and purred at me. One time a vice-president for McGraw-Hill interrupted the conference call and interjected, "Wil, are you on a motorboat?" I shit you not.

When I was sad, Murray would lick my ears. When I was saddest, I would wake up and he'd be stretched out beside me, and his little paw would be resting in mine. When I'd wake up he'd sit up and purr at me, from just out of reach. I used to play chicken with him, and sit there staring at him and see how long he'd continue purring before I had to pet him. I'd always give up and give him a scratch before he stopped purring.

Murray had great taste in women, and I trusted his judgment on which ones to date. Upon first meeting Murray, one of my favorite lovers remarked, "You are just a little lover, aren't you?" She honestly loved Murray more than me, I think, and I honestly understand why.

Murray was a gentle soul. If I threw him in the bath for poopy-butt he'd just meow forlornly and try to leave -- I never got scratched by him so that it bled. He was so gentle with his claws that I would frequently forget he had them at all, and not clip them for years at a time, and then one day I'd notice they'd grown inches long and curved all the way around like the stereotypical wizened asian wizard.

Murray was 18 years old, and his kidneys were in advanced failure. There is no cure except an experimental surgery which transplants kidneys from a young, healthy cat into my ancient one. I could not justify that in my head. Over the last two days he suddenly got much sicker, and I finally realized he was done.

As I held him in the vet's office, they gave him a sedative and then the poison. I put my ear up to his nose so I could hear his breathing, and so he could smell earwax, which he really did love. I stroked his throat and with each little exhale I could feel the tiny rattle of a faint purr -- the last purrs he had in him had to come out.

My last words to him were, "Thank you, little guy."

On saying goodbye.

2007-12-05T00:41:00.001-08:00

There are so many clichés that, as I grow up, I find are really true. And with every one, I go through the same process:

"Gee, I've discovered this amazing and unique thing about humanity that no one has ever discovered before, but how can I express it in words... Hmm, well, in this case, I want to convey the idea that sometimes you want to express a sexual attraction to a person and have them confirm a reciprocal attraction, but you don't feel a level of attraction where you'd want to start anything long-term -- you just want an innocent exchange of physical compliments... If only there were some succinct way to say it, like, uh...

"Oh, I know: A kiss is just a kiss.

"Oh, wait."

[It's another cliché that every generation thinks they're the first ones to feel every emotion, and have every idea.]

--

"Youth is wasted on the young," my mom used to always say to me, which made me want to smack her, because *I* was young, and I was hearing her basically saying that she wanted to suck the life-force out of me and horde it for herself. That ship has sailed, mom! (I already did the opposite to you.)

Now I'm reasonably old, and I find myself thinking, "Damn, I wish I had all the time ahead of me that I had when I was 20, because I think I've finally started to figure out what life is about, and I was so miserable then, but now I'm worried that by the time I really get it down, I'm going to be enfeebled and not able to enjoy it... if only there were some succinct way to say this... some kind of saying... oh, wait."

Damn you, mom!

But the cruel irony of clichés is we're doomed to not understand them until the moment we re-coin them for ourselves. Just as you can't explain to someone why it's bad to stick their hand in a flame until they've actually felt pain, you can't explain love and loss and happiness and inner peace to someone who hasn't experienced those things, first-hand. And, by that time, their response will just be, "Duh, I know that now, you should have told me a long time ago."

--

Recently I've been thinking about nature of loss, and how we all want to deny to ourselves that it will ever happen to us. We want to believe that every love is our last love, that our cat will outlive us, that our job will continue to be a perfect fit forever, that our health will continue until we drop dead, which we won't ever do anyway, and that our friends will never move away or betray us or simply grow more distant over the years.

And, yes, all evidence points to the contrary. Most people think I'm morbid when I say, "You know, this relationship *will* end badly," and they won't discuss it further with me. But, honestly -- the very best we can hope for is that our relationship will end with one of us dying. And, seriously, that's going to suck for both the dead guy and the person left behind. Or we could hope to both die simultaneously, but, I dunno, that doesn't seem entirely awesome either. ("Hope you die when I do, honey! Good night!")

--

We are denial machines. This is what I've learned going to TED these last couple years -- there are several amazing talks on this, I'll point to this one by Michael Shermer on "Why people believe strange things":

And this one by Dan Gilbert on "Why are we happy? Why aren't we happy?"

There are others which I can't find at the moment -- I encourage you to look around. And maybe I'm doing a disrespect to the incredibly intelligent people who've written these talks by restating them in my own words, but, hey, that's how I do.

So, the gestalt I got from TED was: we are "designed," as beings, to be unreasonably optimistic. That is, we have evolved an unrealistic optimism as a defense to the fact that everything good ends, and in fact ends badly. (By definition -- if we're enjoying something, we don't want it to end, but everything ends, and if we're not enjoying something, the good part has already ended, so QED.)

As we stood erect and grasped things and used tools and grew our brains, we became self-aware, and then aware of the finite span of our happiness, and our genes faced a dilemma (evolutionarily speaking): our race could either be hopelessly discouraged by the tragedy of life, or we could be kept a little bit stupid so we wouldn't think about it. But this is a logical fallacy: a false dilemma -- there's a third route, which I believe evolution took: she gave us with a blind spot. We are, fundamentally, illogical when it comes to our expectations of happiness.

There is another cliché of sorts, or perhaps more of an aphorism: "In 100 years everyone you love will be dust." This is simply a truth. But it's depressing. Right now your mind is busily throwing away that sentence. You are reacting to it as you would a bad smell. You might even be angry that I mentioned it. "Why are you burdening me with this? What the hell good did you just do me?"

But I'm not burdening you, not really. You're not going to be thinking about that sentence tomorrow. It's your defense mechanism -- well, it is if you're a lucky, normal person. There are lots of depressed people out there, and they have trouble ever moving away from those thoughts, so, sorry to you guys, but I bet you've already thought of that one anyway.

Let's consider depression, and also consider that the geniuses we revere today were generally very disturbed, unhappy people. Are we, in fact, evolved not to be too smart, because at some point when you crank up intelligence, you can't help but see past your blind spot, and start to notice that life is, in the end, futile? That no matter how much we struggle, we WILL lose everything; we will die. We will be alone when that happens.

So what, you say? Why not just enjoy the here and now? But I say this is a sham. You're lying to yourself. Because if I told you, with certainty, that you were going to die in 10 minutes, you wouldn't try to enjoy the here and now. You'd be crushed. Paralyzed. You wouldn't say, "Oh, boy, I need to make sure I really enjoy those 10 minutes! I'm going to eat an entire cake, screw the calories! Then have sex without a condom!"

--

I want to note I'm using a generic "you" here, in part to represent myself. Please don't take offense. I'm not trying to pick on YOU you, in particular. Nor am I scorning humanity from some mighty perch. I'm part of this sham. I get up every day and struggle to convince myself that, for some reason, things are going to get better for me, when, by definition, all the available evidence (eg, my life so far) suggests that things will be as good for me as they have been, and no better.

--

Imagine a society of rational beings (without our blind spot for how bad life can be) came to Earth to observe us -- ignore that this race wouldn't have developed space travel because they'd all be too busy staying up until 4am taking bong hits and watching "Chuck" on NBC.com trying to forget how miserable they are.

Now, imagine what they would think of our lottery. This alone pretty much demonstrates that we are unreasonable optimists. We know, KNOW, that the average person who buys lottery tickets will not hit the jackpot. That, in fact, they won't break even. Not "average" as in 51% of people -- we know the vast majority of people lose. We KNOW, and in fact are explicitly told at the point of sale that the odds are amazingly stacked against us, and we are pissing our money down a hole.

And, in fact, even if we were to win, most of us understand the cliché that "money doesn't buy happiness." We've seen the human-interest stories on lottery winners and cluck-clucked over the statistic that most of them report being less happy after winning the lottery, and a large number go bankrupt within a few years.

"But that won't be me!" we say. We are promised, guaranteed by the seller and by every mathematician that our odds are exactly the same as everyone else's, yet we make up new rules for ourselves, in defiance of all logic, that say we're going to win, and moreover enjoy it when we do. Dammit.

Because we need something to look forward to. We need the dream. Once, long long ago, there were two types of people: those who could fool themselves into thinking life was worth living, and those who couldn't. Needless to say, the second group died out really quickly. And the first group has had millions of years to perfect its technique for overlooking the bad in life.

--

Again, I'd like to interrupt myself and say, hey, unreasonable optimism is a really good thing for most of us, most of the time. I mean, I have nothing against being happy, whether it's reasonable or not. If you want to sing in the rain, well, it's a bit of a cliché, but I obviously have nothing against those. I will join you whenever I can.

--

But maybe -- and this is what I've been thinking about -- just maybe, we should be AWARE that we're fooling ourselves. Maybe we need to occasionally pull our heads out and do check on the actual position in the world, and say, "Yes, we need to believe in order to get out of bed in the morning, but we also need to sometimes consider reality from a very rational standpoint, and make sure we're merely singing in the rain, and not singing in a monsoon that is the precursor to a giant flood that's going to kill us unless we climb that hill over there right now."

I feel that way about things I blog about, like global warming or war or politics, obviously. In general, we want to trust our politicians to take care of us -- we need to -- but it is also our duty to examine the world closely every once in a while, and not be surprised if it's screwed up and needs another course correction before we get back to our comfortable denial. It's been needed many times in the past (this isn't even our first energy crisis this half-century), and we shouldn't feign surprise when it happens again.

--

So, yes, when I start a relationship, I tell the woman, hey, you know, in all likelihood this will end in tears. (You're sorry you're not going out with a prize like me, right? Mayhap you're surprised I'm still single at 38?)

But, wait... in my defense (possibly weakly) I'll point out: ending in tears is not necessarily bad. I mean, it's just there. It's a fact that we will end, it's simple probability that we'll end unhappily, unless you want to redefine happiness. So, let's spend a little time planning for it. Thinking about the possible endings. So we can mitigate the bad things that are fungible and probable, and go back to ignoring the rest.

Let's spend some time getting me life insurance, so if I do die, you can continue to live in my house. Let's think about what we'd do if we simply grow out of each other, so we can be civil if it happens.

And most importantly, let me say this to you -- my friend, my lover, my family -- in advance: if it does end, I want you to know I won't regret it. Because everything ends. We spend all our time denying it, and when it finally happens we think it's the biggest tragedy in the world. I know this -- I've lost or given up the most important people in my life several times now. Sometimes I lose sight of the fact that it was inevitable. And if we only let ourselves think about loss when it strikes, we're going to be overwhelmed.

How many relationships end where one person says, "I'm sorry I ever met you?" I've never felt that way. I'm never sorry, because you obviously brought something into my life; that's why I invited you in, in the first place. I'm often sorry that it ended (and sometimes not), but I always knew the end was there. I don't like loss, but an ending doesn't negate all that was good.

--

"Goodbye is hard to say." You knew I was going to end with a cliché, didn't you? I think the person who coined that one was thinking the same things as I am now, and came to the same conclusions, maybe. And that person said, damn, blogs haven't been invented yet -- is there some snappy saying I can come up with that will be remembered by the next generation, so they can avoid all the heartache I had?

Well, no. You can't avoid heartache. But you can understand that it's inevitable. And, sometimes, maybe that's what you need to hear. Yes, you're going to hurt. I'm sorry. Don't let it spoil everything good.

Movie Sequels We Need

2007-11-18T04:26:00.001-08:00

Who doesn't love sequels? Certainly no red-blooded American. But, sadly, some movies never get sequels. Why? And what can we do about it?

I think the only thing to do is for us to show truth to power, and point out these omissions. Maybe we can inspire some Hollywood hack who has lost his way. If even one sequel gets made that would have otherwise been an original idea, wouldn't it be worth it?

So, here's my list of sequels I need to see:

Independence Day 2: Oh Crap The Aliens Closed Their Firewall
I Also Robot, How You?
Lake Shmonsequence
The List Schindler Kept In His Other Pants
Fight Club 2: Helena Bonham-Carter Was Also Just in His Head
Vertigo 2: Carsick
American History XI
Three Kill a Mockingbird
Spider-Man 3: For Real This Time
Faster and Dumber or Dumb and Furious (mash-up)
Memento 2: More Super-Depressing Backward Stuff
A.I. 2: We Are Not Aliens We Are Super-Advanced Robots Read the Title Fucking Duh
The Treasure of the Sierra Madre 2: We Still Do Not Require Any Form of Identification
The Piano 2: More of That Guy's Penis
Triple Indemnity
The Santa Clause 3: Now You Have To, Let's Say... Jump Up and Down
Reservoir Puppies (prequel)
The Sting 2: We Swear There Is No Twist Ending LOL
Braveheart 2: It's Different When You Know He's Crazy
Blade Runner 2: Just Kidding It's Really Just Another Cut of Blade Runner
W for Wowiamangry
Shrek 2 Oh Wait There Was a Shrek 2
Shrek 3 Also, I Guess, I Did Not See It
It Happened Again on a Different Night
The Conversation 2: Not That Crappy Movie with Will Smith That Was a Pretend Sequel
Garfield 3: 2 in the Head, 1 in the Chest
North by Northwest 2: If You See the Dairy Queen You've Gone Too Far
The Oranges of Anger
The Lion King 2: If I'm Lion I'm Dyin'
Big Fish 2: Now MY Son has Grown Up and He Hates ME for Being a Big Liar
Dial L for Larceny (prequel)
Rosemary's Second Child Who Didn't Get as Many Photos Taken of Her
Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Actually We Just Explain the Previous Two Films
Taxi Driver 2: Crazy Taxi (in conjunction with Sega)
Serpents on a Submarine or Boas on a Boat or Rattlesnakes on a Railroad or Cottonmouths in a Car (pick only one)
Glad I Ate Him
Blazing Saddles 2: Chapped Asses
The Princess Bride 2: Hollywood is Full of Whores
Sex and the City: We Really Aren't Very Sexy Any More, To Be Honest
The Gun Just Below That Top One
M.A.S.H. 2: Apparently Some People Have Forgotten That War Is Bad
E.E.T.: An Extra Extra-Terrestrial
Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind: We're Boning Aliens
Deliverance 2: There's a Lot of Nerves Back There, It Can Feel Kind of Nice
A Streetcar Named Desire 2: A Lamppost Named Phyllis

Video Game Ideas: iPhone SDK edition

2007-10-18T03:26:00.001-07:00

We've got it! We got our SDK! Well, I mean, we don't HAVE it yet, but we have a promise, and a promise that times nicely with my being done with Delicious Library 2 and looking for something to do before I start on v3.

So what are we going to do with it? Sure, we're going to port Peggle (from PopCap), the BEST GAME EVER, and I hope there's a native version of Xeno Tactics (please write me if you know who can make this happen).

BUT WHAT ELSE! We need to take advantage of the incredible and unique features of the iPhone... So, I'm going to try something new in the comments, here, and encourage people to brainstorm with me, either with new ideas or refining previous ideas to make them more possible / more fun.

Let's look at the perfect storm of features the iPhone has brewing:

- Always on. No other handheld consumer device is always on. Laptops go to sleep, as do DS Lites. Always on means that if we write social software, our iPhone can find other iPhones to talk to for us based on some criteria, and then notify us as it finds matches. Welcome to the REAL social, bitches.

- Always with their masters. Nobody who owns an iPhone will venture more than 20 feet from it.

- Pretty damn popular. Sure, there is an order of magnitude more DSes, but iPhone is growing at a crazy rate. I see several every day at the café that I actually did NOT buy!

- A cool variety of inputs, including acceleration detectors and a touch screen.

- Really good resolution. Fairly fast graphics for certain subsets of drawing, but not something that'll run Quake 3 at a billion FPS.

- Great networking, including Bluetooth, WiFi, and Edge. (Bono to be included in the next version.)

- Doesn't require a cartridge per app, like Gameboys or Sony PSPs. All apps are resident in the iPhone at once, and multitask, so having a few casual, silly apps is much more likely. (Eg, you don't have to scream to everyone in the café, "Hey, let's all put in our social networking cartridge so we can break the ice!)

- Is not butt-ugly like Zune.

Idea 1) "My Pokémons, Let Me Show Them To You."

Imagine carrying all your Pokémon (or Magic, or whatever) cards around on your phone, and you can show 'em off CoverFlow-style, baby. If some other iPhone-wielding fool wants to step to your deck, you press a button for a WiFi connection (or bluetooth, even) and get to use your fingers to point to cards you want and throw them out on the playfield - it gives card battles a real tactile interaction.

How do your cards get in to the phone? Well, if you want to use existing cards, you scan them in with the iPhone's camera, and recognize the photo (compared to a database of cards) and add that physical card to the user's virtual collection.

Finally, you can trade virtual cards to people around you. For extra style points, you could list a bunch of cards you want and cards you don't want, and other iPhone users running the same client would just get notified that a potential trade is in their area. I imagine Gabe at the opera (yes, I like to imagine him going to the opera, ok?) and suddenly his phone starts buzzing and someone wants to buy one of his chimpochocs. "Honey, shhhh!"

Idea 2) "My zombie beats your werewolf. Or mates with him."

Like with the Zombie mini-game on facebook, all iPhone users could have zombie (or mutant, or zombie-hunter, or whatever) avatars, and whenever two iPhones get too close, they start to battle. It'd be super-funny if they did this on their own, so you could just be walking along and you and another dude's phones would suddenly go batshit making fighting and gurgling noises.

You'd win persistent points, which would be tracked by a central database on some website, so you could see who trumps who. Each time you fight someone who is stronger than you, and you lose, you wouldn't get points but you'd get some of their "DNA" on you, which your creature could incorporate to become stronger. But, there'd be diminishing returns for fighting the same person over and over -- essentially you get zero points for attacking a creature with the similar DNA, so you want to find diverse creatures. You'd be much better off wandering around downtown and fighting strangers, because then you'll get a lot more possible mutations for your creature, and a lot more points for victories you make.

Idea 3) "Screw Pokémon, We Make Our Own Collectible Card Game"

Like idea #1, but rather than screw with licensing, we make up a new game that's like Magic meets Pokémon meets all those other game Richard Garfield wrote or inspired. BUT, and here's the cool part, we just make up the base system, NOT all the cards.

Like, we say, "Oh, in this game there is POWER, and POWER can be fed each round into ABILITIES or SPELLS or ATTACKS, and the order in which these things happen is this and this and this."

THEN, we let people invent their own cards (in a high-level language we invent), most of which will contain exceptions to the rules or things which change the rules, because that's what's actually fun about these games. There would be some ground rules for developing cards -- eg, you'd have to win some matches to earn the points to do it, and your total card strength would be limited by how many points you are willing to spend. And you'd have to incorporate "flaws" with abilities or affects, too, so nobody could just say, "This card is free to play and requires no power and stops time and all your hit points go away."

Even so, obviously some cards would be unbalancing. So: there's a central repository for card ideas, and before ANYONE can play a card (in matches which count towards points) it has to be digitally signed by the repository. The community views new cards and votes on which ones should go "into production", (and which ones should be retired) and those cards are made available... BUT, you can't just buy 'em directly. There's a random element to getting cards, as there should be... one cool thing we could do would be to finally do what Garfield wanted, and have it so you win cards in battle. Like, the loser of a battle could decide if she wanted to allow the winner to pick her best card and get a two new cards randomly from the repository, OR just let the winner get a single new card from the repository herself, OR vote for a single card from the winner's hand to be banned from play. (This wouldn't immediately ban it, but at some point really unfair cards would get too many votes and leave circulation.)

Players would also be able to create "testing decks" -- they could use any number of any cards, legal or not legal, BUT matches with those decks look different and don't give any points or ranking. And, like, the iPhone takes away some of the graphic glitz, so it's clear you're just beta-testing your deck, you're not REALLY playing.

Idea 4) "Gnip-gnop"

If you go to the kind of parties I do, about twenty people at any gathering have iPhones. What if you made some fast, silly gams (drinking games, maybe?) involving the phones? For example, take something as simple as a ball bouncing between people -- you'd see it coming towards your screen, and you'd have to flick it away, and you could flick it towards other players, and they'd have to keep it going...

Or, imagine an iPhone game where you do that old sliding-picture-puzzle thing, where each iPhone's screen shows a section of a larger picture, and then everybody has to move around and stand next to each other such that the puzzle is solved.

You could do this with teams -- maybe have it so there's a message, and each iPhone shows a different letter, and you have to re-arrange the iPhones to figure out the message first.

Or you could show pictures on everyone's iPhone, but only two of them are similar, and those two people have to race to touch their iPhones together before a timer expires... I wonder if bluetooth signal strength is detectable on the iPhone, or WiFi signal strength -- whether one could actually tell if two phones are in very close proximity vs. 10 feet apart.

Idea 5) "Flash Mob Friends"

Not necessarily a game... imagine tying in to the iPhone extension that can tell where your iPhone is based on the cell towers around it, and using that as a way to gather groups. You could have a tiny app that simply has a button for what kind of group you would like to hang with, and others in your group would be notified if they are in a similar mood.

For instance, if I'm hungry, I could have a group of friends I sometimes eat with. So I press "Dinner Friends" and I go to Saluté, and everyone in that group can see where I am and that I am, in fact, actively getting dinner and would like company. They can IM me or just show up.

This is a lot like what I do right now for dinner, actually, except right now it's more aggressive -- I have to page like 20 people with "Hey, getting dinner, what up?" and they have to actively turn me down "OH, sorry, just ate." I think it'd be easier on everyone if it were more passive, "Hey, everyone, getting dinner, if you are hungry and available then ping me, otherwise cool." And without the urgency of a page -- just a status you could check, like in Twitter or iChat.